June 29 falls on a Pride Sunday again. The last time it happened was 5 years ago in 2003. He hasn’t been on my mind, at least not consciously. Memories of him doesn’t affect me like it used to. Time has its power to make things faded. But it doesn’t mean he’s gone. I know no matter how hard I try, he is always in my head somewhere, lurking until a day that I would be emotionally weak. He would break out and fill me with sorrow and hurt.

I had a dream last night. In the dream I was hanging with my roommate. We were sitting somewhere for brunch, and his phone made a sound, I know he got a text. He picked the phone up, read it, smiled. I was being nosy and curious, so I peeked over and read the message. To my horror, the name of the person who sent my roommate the message was HIM. The message was, “Yes, I’ll see you later!” I couldn’t breathe at the moment, tears running around in my eyes. I was shaken with anger and hurt. I screamed at my roommate demanding “What is going on!? Why? Why? Why are you two in contact?? What does he want? What do you want? You know how much he means to me!! What are you doing?” It was the strongest emotions I felt, I was filled with anger and yet a horrible sadness and also terrified at the betrayal all in once. I woken up shaken and crying without being able to hear his answer to all my questions. I desperately want to get back into the dream, but I end up not able to fall asleep at all.

I didn’t fall asleep until much much later well into the morning. I had a dream, although not the same one another more. In this dream, I was at a dessert place, sitting at a round table. I was surrounded by my best friends, mostly the ones from High School, H, W, I, O, but also many other ones that I know from other places as well. The table was full with all kind of desserts. Anything you can think of. My friends were like “You need this, go ahead, eat, don’t think about him, just eat, we know you’ll love it.” I don’t remember if I actually ate any of that, but I do remember the warmth and love I felt from my friends.

I woke up finally at noon, way passed what my alarm clock wanted me to be up. I know I am late to see the Pride parade already, but I need to write this down. I am still shaken from the first dream even if the second dream kind of provided a much needed cushion to soften the hurt. I know staying in alone on this particular day would definitely not be good at all, so I am going out now, try to see if I can still catch the parade.

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Tagged: Dreams · Personal